OK, I'm talking about sex. The holiday season is all about sex — in front of the fireplace, out in the woods on a long romantic walk, under the Christmas tree, or just under a lot of covers when you get snowed in. So while you're sipping on some rum-spiked 'noggy and getting ideas about doing it doggy, here are some Christmas-inspired sex positions. Eat, drink and be merry!
Reindeer Style
Very
similar to doggy style, where the guy is behind the girl, except he
explicitly imagines her as a plucky reindeer who carries the task of
transporting her gift-bearing lover all over the world. Most effective
when one or both parties wears a festive hat and/or a sexy couples’
reins and bit combination in the mouth.The Stocking Stuffer
The
stocking stuffer is, arguably, one of the finest yuletide positions.
While operating, both parties must be upright and against a
mantle—specifically with a roaring fire nearby. The lady places one or
both legs around the man’s hips as he thrusts upwards and *ahem* stuffs
her. There can be chocolate involved if you like.Santa’s Little Helper
This
is the position for ladies who want a little something extra during the
love-making sesh. The real Santa’s helpers are elves, reindeer, and
other North Pole monsters, her little helper is a tiny vibrator while
commencing sexy times in the spooning position. Best part? Either he or
she can use it… wherever they want, but aim for the clitoris, ‘cause
chicks dig that stuff.Santa Claus Is Going Downtown
Santa’s
got a present and it’s from the North Pole. With this position, you
give her everything she’s ever wanted for Christmas (and every other day
of the year) with an unabashedly long oral session. While your babe is
sitting up on a couch, you assume the position of getting on your knees
between her knees and… well, you probably know what to do. Don’t stop
until she pushes you away.Eat The Fruitcake
If
you haven’t joined the booty-eating renaissance, you gotta get on it.
Christmas is the time to make that dream come to fruition and what
better time to give pleasure than while getting pleasure. Assume the
typical 69’ing position, but aim up just a little bit. This works best
after a nice hot shower and scrub (for both parties, because no one
likes dirty dudes.) Cleanliness and communication is the key, so you
should probably tell her before you indulge in her fruitcake. That’s the
funny thing about fruitcakes and buttholes, though; they both taste the
same.Jingle Balls
Okay,
ladies, keep an open mind here. Both guys and girls are afraid of
testicles — and why shouldn’t we be? The pain of a smacked pair of balls
is incomparable and awful. However, with Jingle Balls, the lady treats
the testicles beneath her like as politely as possible as she gingerly
rubs over and/or tickles her fella’s balls while doing reverse cowgirl.
Unlike bells, there should be very little jingling involved, as the only
festive sound from that will be yelping—just give them a nice graze
with your hands.